1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You
can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are
craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your
rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has
wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about
the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you
really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet
and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now
if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching
morning TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls
and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might
honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you
for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore
nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial
spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of
Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one
the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A
time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the
employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't
focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your
computer screen. Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining
your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't
give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva
and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last
of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss
doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just
died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because
all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.
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